


To Be Loved

by PerfectlyHopeless



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Aro-spec Inquisitor, Drabble, Dragon Age: Inquisition - Trespasser DLC, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-04-21 08:20:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22054000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerfectlyHopeless/pseuds/PerfectlyHopeless
Summary: Nan knows it was a mistake that led to Cassandra's question of proposal, but she can't get it out of her head. Luckily, Bull is patient.
Relationships: Female Inquisitor/Iron Bull, Iron Bull/Female Lavellan
Comments: 8
Kudos: 23





	To Be Loved

* * *

Nan fidgeted with her hands, fingers clothed in the practical leather gloves she'd changed into after parading into the Winter Palace on horseback in the horrible formal wear they'd worn the first time she'd come to Orlais as Inquisitor. She'd hated it then too. Conducting business in Skyhold while wearing her nice leathers had always been more than enough for her. If she could have it her way, she'd be barefoot like the servants, in nothing but leggings and a plain tunic. But Josephine had drawn a line back home and Nan would be kind to her Ambassador. 

Josephine had staved off the wolves of Orlais and Fereldan for a year, doing her best to conduct business at home in Skyhold with Nan making her best effort to be a good leader. Meetings and dinners and politics had perverted her life for months. All the while the Anchor mark was gradually getting unstable. Leliana knew, because there was no keeping secrets from her. As did Cullen out of a sense of fairness for him confiding in her about his lyrium addiction. Josephine had been purposefully kept in the dark to ensure that it wouldn't impede her diplomatic work. Her kind heart had more than enough to worry about with peace keeping. The first to know, however, had been the Iron Bull. He was always the first to know things.

Nan kept fidgeting as she stepped back into the little bar/tavern space where he was sitting. He kept watch on the Chargers with a fond look in his eye that spread his lips into a smile when he caught sight of her. 

"Kadan," he greeted as she approached. "Come for a drink?"

"Josie's forbidden intoxication, unfortunately," Nan said as she settled on the stool beside him. She didn't quite meet his gaze when he tried to meet hers. "I will steal a bit from whatever you're having, though."

"It's just a weak Orlesian brew," he explained as he passed her his cup. "Better off sticking with the wines. All their attempts at beer are underwhelming as shit."

Nan drank a couple swallows and her face screwed at the hoppy assault to her senses. "Creators, that is  _ terrible _ ," she whined as she passed the cup back over. "Who decided making that was a good use of resources?"

"I dunno, haven't seen a label anywhere," he said, glancing around the counter. "Guess that should've been the first hint something was off."

Nan's head tilted slightly to the left. "If you knew it was sketchy, why did you buy it?"

"I still needed something to drink," he justified, taking a few swallows before setting his cup back on the counter before them. Nan sighed but let out a light laugh at him. He smiled at her as she leaned into his shoulder. 

"You know I love you, yes?" she said as she leaned into his side.

"I know. I love you too."

Nan smiled and stared straight ahead for a short while, still playing with her hands. He shifted to put a hand at the small of her back and glanced over at her. 

"What's wrong?" he asked her, brows downturned in a worried frown. 

Nan met his gaze and continued to fidget with her gloves. "Cassandra congratulated me on my marriage proposal earlier. She'd had a misunderstanding with Varric, or he was fucking with her, but I…" She sighed heavily, a little growl in her throat when she did so as she ran a hand through her still recently shortened hair. "I'm not good at this."

"You're doing fine," Bull assured her, giving her an encouraging pat. "You know you can tell me anything."

"I know," she said, calming. "But that's the problem, right? I love you, you love me, we've got a good thing going. So why does the thought of marriage make me so  _ itchy _ ?"

He looked her over and didn't answer her rhetorical question. They knew why it made her uncomfortable, but neither wanted to address Nan's struggle with romance in this place. She still had days when she couldn't tell if she actually felt love for him, or if she was mistaking her deep respect, trust, and loyalty for love. She couldn't tell if they might be the same thing or not. She couldn't tell whether or not she was a broken person for struggling to define her feelings for the relationship that she and the Iron Bull had been in for three years. How could one possibly define love in a way that made it easily recognizable, so that one could say, "Yes! That's what it is," and know for certain? 

Marriage meant a promise of love that Nan didn't know she could keep. 

Bull placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and squeezed. Nan relaxed under his touch, feeling nothing but safe when he was near. She reached to lace her fingers with his and closed her eyes and she regrounded herself. 

"I don't think I'll ever want to marry you," she said carefully, looking as though the words physically caused her pain. 

"I'm okay with that," he assured her. She looked at him with wide eyes shining with unshed tears. He smiled.

"You are?"

"You're my Kadan," he said steadily. "That's a choice I make every day, and I know you do the same when you call me  _ vhenan _ . We don't need to be bound to it for this to have meaning."

Nan breathed a sigh of relief and put a hand to her chest as though to still her palpitating heart. "Creators, I'm a lucky woman to have you for a partner." 

He smiled fondly at her, leaning over to kiss her forehead, placing it in the center of her swirling violet vallaslin. "You know, if you had been planning a proposal, I wouldn't have said no."

"I'll keep that in mind," Nan chuckled, his comment just making her feel more comfortable being with him, knowing they were unbound by traditions and could make of it whatever they desired. "Thank you."

He cocked his head to the side slightly, looking between her smile and her eyes. "For what?"

"For your patience. I… I am grateful, truly, for your willingness to love me and trust me." She shifted out of his touch and swiveled on her stool to face him properly. Nan held his gaze with a seriousness he usually only saw when she was performing as Inquisitor. "Whatever happens with the Exalted Council, whether the Inquisition can carry on or not. No matter how far apart life takes us, I hope that you'll come back to me."

The Iron Bull gave her that familiar fond smile. The one that was slightly crooked, higher on the side without an eye to look on her, while the subtle creases around the other softened and looked over her face. His gaze traced along her softly angled features, along the dark violet knots that he'd long since learned were how she honored her patron goddess, Ghilan'nain, and settled looking between her copper brown eyes that were noticeably large and elven. He reached out and cradled her cheek in his hand, his thumb brushing gently across her light olive skin. She kept her gaze on him but relaxed under his touch.

Whether she could feel love or not seemed irrelevant when Nan responded to his touch with such peace and safety, and he felt the same in her hands. When they didn't care what the conversation was that they were having, be it beers or religion, they just wanted to enjoy the other's company. When they trusted the other with their lives in battle and fought seamlessly together. When they made each other happy enough to smile and laugh at simple things. And yes, the sex was good, but even that dynamic they'd created was built on Nan's trust in him to bring pain and pleasure in equal measure at her pace, and help her to be a person again when her legend took over.

Bull didn't care if it was love that bound them. He cared about Nan. Nan cared about him. That was all that they needed. 

"I'll do what I can," he said.

Nan smiled and nodded. "I couldn't ask for more." She gave a tug to the strap across his breast and pulled him close for a kiss. She didn't care who watched. For just a sweet moment, this was all that mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> This was just a thought in my head that I needed to get out with a oneshot. Nan's grey-aromantic nature has been one of my favorite things to explore both in my character work and for my own sake. I knew that her love confession to Bull wasn't the end of it. I knew that she wouldn't be magically changed by love or whatever tropes exist out there. This is Nan's reality, constantly questioning love and having days where she knows she cares for him but not knowing for sure if it's romantic in nature? Bull's romance is perfect for her that way. I didn't design Nan to be a good fit for anyone when I started playing, I was just RPing and going with what felt right. His patience and lack of need to define a relationship is what drew her in. He was safe and now, if nothing else, Nan doesn't want to lose that feeling.
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much for reading! I hope that you enjoyed this piece, it's a long drabble but I liked writing it. If you're so inclined, I'd love to hear what you think in the comments ^_^
> 
> Take care <3


End file.
